Today is the day we are supposed to celebrate Skylar turning 2 years old. However, this has not been a day full of celebration. For me, it has been a day of avoiding tears.
I felt it coming. All week has been super emotional (ladies, you know what I mean). I have been dreading today because I knew it would be a day of salt in my wounded heart.
I think today has been the hardest day since we buried her. Regardless of how hard I try to focus on the positive, what I have to be thankful for, I am constantly brought back to the reality that my daughter is gone. A day that I would normally be having a party, making sure that Skylar's world is full of everything that she loves, I have an empty toddler's room. Today is supposed to be all about Skylar. A day set aside to focus on her, love her and celebrate her birth. If only she were here...
Every time I think about Skylar, tears fill my eyes. Mainly because I miss her, but I am also still mourning the life we should have had if things were "normal" for us. We would be baking cupcakes, running around the park, chasing after kids at her birthday party and who knows what else. I would get to see Kyle as the amazing "fun" dad I know he is... as I get glimpses of him interacting with other kids we know and love. Today has hurt. It totally sucks to be a parent without a child.
I don't even know what to do with myself. There's not a lot to celebrate because Skylar's not here... I could celebrate her birth, but I am reminded that I will never have that birth experience again since SMA took our only daughter. We can't stand the thought of going through that again and are taking measures to prevent it. The last thing I want to do is bake a cake for my baby who is not able to eat it because she's dead. Everything that I would do is pointless without her here. I know she is in Heaven and no longer suffering. That is something to celebrate, but my heart's not able to go there today. She's probably the one celebrating, so maybe that makes up for me not celebrating. In Heaven, she's not bound by time (that I know of) so I don't think there are birthdays to celebrate there. I would guess that every day is a celebration with God, Jesus and all the followers of Christ who have gone before us as we were made to worship. I imagine the story of Colton from "Heaven Is For Real" and picture Skylar talking to Jesus, hanging out with my Aunt Theresa, our grandparents who have passed on, meeting John the Baptist and being amazed by her wings and all the colors around her. That warms my heart some.
The good news is that we were able to spend today with people we love and keep ourselves distracted. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be happy that this is behind me. Thank you for all of the love and support we felt today.
A big thank you to Soteria Productions for volunteering their time to help film the memorial (at a last minute request) and put this together for our family. We are so grateful for your support and help through this journey! Also, thank you to Tessa from Light Love Laughter Photography and Sarah Harms for taking a few of the images used in the video. We love you all so much.
Just a warning that the memorial video is the full length version so if you want to watch the whole thing, please allow yourself an hour to finish it. Also, the beginning clip somehow got flipped so the text is backwards - that will be fixed soon. Peace.
I felt it coming. All week has been super emotional (ladies, you know what I mean). I have been dreading today because I knew it would be a day of salt in my wounded heart.
I think today has been the hardest day since we buried her. Regardless of how hard I try to focus on the positive, what I have to be thankful for, I am constantly brought back to the reality that my daughter is gone. A day that I would normally be having a party, making sure that Skylar's world is full of everything that she loves, I have an empty toddler's room. Today is supposed to be all about Skylar. A day set aside to focus on her, love her and celebrate her birth. If only she were here...
Every time I think about Skylar, tears fill my eyes. Mainly because I miss her, but I am also still mourning the life we should have had if things were "normal" for us. We would be baking cupcakes, running around the park, chasing after kids at her birthday party and who knows what else. I would get to see Kyle as the amazing "fun" dad I know he is... as I get glimpses of him interacting with other kids we know and love. Today has hurt. It totally sucks to be a parent without a child.
I don't even know what to do with myself. There's not a lot to celebrate because Skylar's not here... I could celebrate her birth, but I am reminded that I will never have that birth experience again since SMA took our only daughter. We can't stand the thought of going through that again and are taking measures to prevent it. The last thing I want to do is bake a cake for my baby who is not able to eat it because she's dead. Everything that I would do is pointless without her here. I know she is in Heaven and no longer suffering. That is something to celebrate, but my heart's not able to go there today. She's probably the one celebrating, so maybe that makes up for me not celebrating. In Heaven, she's not bound by time (that I know of) so I don't think there are birthdays to celebrate there. I would guess that every day is a celebration with God, Jesus and all the followers of Christ who have gone before us as we were made to worship. I imagine the story of Colton from "Heaven Is For Real" and picture Skylar talking to Jesus, hanging out with my Aunt Theresa, our grandparents who have passed on, meeting John the Baptist and being amazed by her wings and all the colors around her. That warms my heart some.
The good news is that we were able to spend today with people we love and keep ourselves distracted. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be happy that this is behind me. Thank you for all of the love and support we felt today.
A big thank you to Soteria Productions for volunteering their time to help film the memorial (at a last minute request) and put this together for our family. We are so grateful for your support and help through this journey! Also, thank you to Tessa from Light Love Laughter Photography and Sarah Harms for taking a few of the images used in the video. We love you all so much.
Just a warning that the memorial video is the full length version so if you want to watch the whole thing, please allow yourself an hour to finish it. Also, the beginning clip somehow got flipped so the text is backwards - that will be fixed soon. Peace.
Sklar is beautiful. The message was perfect too. So many things he said were right on. Take your time to grieve and just be. Don't rush yourself or let others rush you faster than you are ready. Praying for you both as you begin trying to keep living life with a piece of your hearts missing.
ReplyDeleteSaturday was hard for me too. The movie was amazing and Skylar's pics were beautiful. The movie made me cry as I thought back to all the times I sat and read your blog soaking up all the Skylar pictures and stuff that she did. Her picture is in my locker at school and I have it as a bookmark too. I have lots of comments from kids at my school telling me how beautiful she is and there are lots of kids praying for a cure because your daughter touched there hearts!
ReplyDeleteLove, Danika Cito
Hi Ashley,
ReplyDeleteLike many others have posted you do not know me but I wanted to let you know that I am so moved by reading through your blog and reading of your precious Skylar's life. I too have sometimes felt that I may be blessed to have a special needs child - although my husband and I have not yet started trying to have children I feel comfort reading your thoughts and understanding your deep spiritual connect with our Lord and know that like you, we can overcome all things with the help of God. You and Kyle are in my thoughts and prayers.
With love,
Ali Evans
I too am a complete stranger who just happened to click on the link while visiting a distant friend's blog. I'm a big tough athletic guy, but as a Dad of two young girls, I have to tell you that your vid touched me so much and had my my eyes spewing like a faucet. I cna see in the pics posted how much the two of you loved little Skylar. I am so sorry for you loss.
ReplyDelete